The Art of Listening
By: Mary Sue Reining
Introduction
Listening is not the absence of talking, but the presence of attention. Listening is not simply hearing the other person, it is understanding them. It requires participation, action and effort. Listening is the glue that holds conversations together. It is the foundation of understanding and is absolutely essential for effective coaching.
Listening says that you care about that person, and it says that you respect them. Mark Holmes, author of The People Keeper, asks "Can you think of two more powerful messages to send to an employee (or client) you want to keep?"1
When asked "What's the critical issue facing your organization today?" the answer for the majority of the respondents is communication. Communication does not only mean being understood, but also understanding the other person. The "Question Behind the Question" (QBQ) is, "How can I better understand you?"2
Attentive listening is one of the keys listed in Tony Alessandra's book, Charisma: Seven Keys to Developing the Magnetism That Leads to Success. According to Alessandra, "When somebody is a great listener and allows us to talk, we want to stay longer with that person."3
Most people do not listen at a very deep level.4 In everyday listening we listen mostly to the words. We hear the words and then disconnect from the conversation while we process the words internally. We start thinking about what we will say next. We look for a comparable story, or one that is just a little more dramatic. We tend to get caught up in our own feelings; we take things personally; we listen at a superficial level as we evaluate and judge what we are listening to.
Most of us can relate to how frustrating it can be to talk to someone who appears distracted or uninterested in what we have to say. That is one of the reasons that listening is so important.
Models and Styles of Listening
According to career counselors, Virginia Hall and Joy Wessel, every person has one of two basic listening styles that can filter the messages that he or she hears. The two styles are thinking and feeling.5
People who demonstrate the thinking style tend to listen for logic, analysis, concepts, facts, figures, and references. They think and listen in outline form. Speakers who tend to discuss irrelevant data, and unrelated details drive "thinking" listeners crazy.
Individuals, who prefer the feeling style, respond well to humane words, impassioned pleas, and charisma. They read between the lines, sometimes writing their own scenarios and falsely concluding the speaker's point. These "feeling" listeners may assume that a person is right because he or she is articulate. They may also discount he brilliant ideas in a dry, boring delivery.
According to Laura Whitworth, Henry Kimsey-House and Phil Sandahl, authors of Co-Active Coaching, there are two aspects of listening.6 One is attention, or awareness. It is the receiving of information through what we hear with our ears, as well as with all the senses and with our intuition. We hear, see, and experience sounds, words, images, feelings, energy. We are attentive to all the information we draw in from our senses.
The second aspect is what we do with our listening. This is referred to as the impact of our listening on others, specifically; the impact of the coach's listening on the client. As a coach one needs to be conscious not only of your listening but the impact you have when you act on your listening.
In the Whitworth, Kimsey-House, and Sandahl listening model, there are three levels of listening:7
• Level I: Internal Listening
• Level II: Focused Listening
• Level III: Global Listening
At Level I, Internal Listening, our attention is on ourselves. We listen to the words of the other person but the focus is on what it means to us. At Level I the spotlight is on "me": my thoughts, my judgments, my feelings, my conclusions about myself and others. At Level I there is only one question: "What does this mean to me?"
At Level II, Focused Listening, there is a sharp focus on the other person. In the words of Gabriel Marcel, "When somebody's presence does really make itself felt, it can refresh my inner being; it reveals me to myself, it makes me feel more fully myself than I should be if I were not exposed to its impact." 8 With Focused Listening, you make your presence known. You can see it in people's posture when they are communicating at Level II; both leaning forward, looking intently at each other. There is a great deal of attention on the other person and not much awareness of the outside world.
At Level III, Global Listening, you listen at 360 degrees. You listen as though you and the client were at the "center of the universe receiving information from everywhere at once. It is as though you are surrounded by a force field that contains you, the client, and a space of knowing." Level III includes everything you can observe with your senses: what you see, hear, smell, and feel. One of the benefits of learning to listen at Level III is greater access to your intuition. From your intuition you receive information that is not directly observable, and you use that information just as you'd use words coming from the client's mouth. Level III is sometimes described as environmental listening.
Three types of listening were also discussed and presented during our Process Consultation Class. They included Persuasive Listening, Directive Listening, and Attentive Listening.9 Persuasive Listening uses leading questions by the listener to influence the speaker, while Directive Listening uses closed questions to control the speaker. Attentive Listening uses open questions to gain understanding of the speaker and is similar to Level II listening described above.
Improving Your Listening
We spend about half of our communication time in listening, yet our listening efficiency is about 25 percent.a Many times we do not listen because we are too busy talking. Lyndon Johnson had a plaque on the wall when he was a U.S. Senator that said, "You ain't learning nothing when you are talking."b
While listening is a talent that each of us is given in some measure, it is also a skill that can be trained and developed. Some ways to enhance your listening skills include the following:c
• Do not Interrupt. Good listeners wait their turn to speak Ð even if they disagree with what is being said. They also do not try to complete others' sentences. For most, the ability to resist interrupting does not come naturally; it is a learned skill. When you feel the impulse to interject a comment, one should remember that interrupting mid-sentence is not only impolite, it is disruptive. You may also miss out on an important piece of information because you have caused the speaker to lose his or her train of thought.
• Engage in Conversation. While interrupting can cause communication breakdowns, so can the opposite extreme: failing to react at all during a conversation. Assure the speaker you are listening by nodding, taking down a few notes, or making comments at appropriate junctures after he or she has completed a thought. Be sensitive to your body language; your posture and facial expressions communicate a message as clearly as the words you speak. In their book, Assertiveness Training for Women, Gloria Harris and Susan Osborne share studies that show most communication takes place nonverbally:d
7 percent of communication is through words.
38 percent of communication is through voice, tone, rate, inflection.
55 percent of communication is through face and body.
• Give your Full Attention. Good listeners are able to focus exclusively on the speaker and tune out everything else around them. Listening while completing other tasks Ð i.e. reading e-mail or sorting papers, prevents you from retaining most of what you hear. Doing this on a regular basis, may cause people to be less likely to share important information with you. If you can not offer your full attention to a speaker, you should reschedule the meeting for a time when you can.
• Keep an Open Mind. Everyone has something important or useful to say. If you prejudge based on what you assume a point will be, you are not giving the speaker a fair chance to make a persuasive argument. Avoid jumping to conclusions, but rather, welcome new ideas.
• Take Your Time. Do not worry about taking a few seconds of silence to think before speaking. It is usually better to wait and fully absorb what has just been said so you can offer a more thoughtful response.
• Ask for Clarification. If you are not certain what someone is trying to say, do not pretend to understand. Ask the person to clarify his or her statement. If you are still unsure, try paraphrasing what you believe are the main points. This will not only avoid misunderstandings but will also reassure the other person that you are being attentive.
Listening and Coaching
"Everything in coaching hinges on listening especially listening, with the client's agenda in mind: Is the client on track with his vision. Is he honoring his values? Where is he today?" states, Laura Whitworth in Co-Active Coaching.e The coach is listening for signs of life, the choices clients are making, and how those choices move them toward balance or away. The coach is listening, too, for resistance and turbulence in the process. Listening is the entry point for all of the coaching.
According to Gary Collins, author of Christian Coaching, "Careful, focused listening is the best way to show support and build the coaching bond."f Listening involves more than words and understanding what another person is saying. When you listen actively, you keep aware of what the person might be communicating with his or her body language, tone of voice, or gestures. Notice how people come alive with enthusiasm when they get to a topic that excites them. They lean forward, gesture more than usual, show more emotion, and speak with a different pitch or speed. Watch for these changes. Watch as well for tears or for pauses in the conversation or expressions of frustration. Ask yourself what these cues might mean. Resist the temptation to offer your observations or advice, but periodically ask for clarification, gently ask about inconsistencies, and try giving a summary of what you are hearing. Then ask if your understanding is accurate. In addition to building a stronger relationship bond, the goal of listening is to clarify issues and get an accurate understanding of the client's perspective.
Listening is key to every part of the coaching process, and is especially important at the beginning of the coaching relationship when trust is being established. It is a gift you give to the person being coached. As clients express their issues and concerns you have to be interested in more than their words. You must also try to hear what is below the surface: the person's fears, insecurities, frustrations, self-doubts, conflicts, or discouragements. You listen, as well, for things that are positive like the person's hopes, strengths, values, passions, competencies, excitements, or dreams. As you listen to what is being said, listen for what is being left unsaid. The overall goal is to hear the content of what the person is saying and to pick up the attitudes, frustrations, and dreams that are more implied than started. Collins suggests using the HEAR method to listen for the person's:
H: Hopes and dreams about how things could be better.
E: Energies and passions that appear to inspire the person, but also the energy- drainers that pull the person down.
A: Attitudes and Abilities that impact how the client's potential for the future but might be squelched or frustrated in the present.
R: Routines, habits, and ways of doing things that might need to be changed.
Summary
Listening is hard work; it is active, not passive. To listen well, you have to mentally prepare yourself. You have to get ready to listen and make yourself shut out other challenges facing you and simply listen. Effective listening is difficult and requires all of your attention and all of your effort. It is particularly challenging in today's environment where "dual-tasking" has become a "necessary evil" and more and more meetings are taking place by phone versus face-to-face.
People get bigger when they know they are being listened to; they have more presence. They feel safer and more secure, as well, and can begin to trust. For these reasons, listening is so important to coaching.
Bibliography
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1 Mark Holmes, The People Keeper, (Springfield, Missouri: Advance Mark Publishing) p. 124.
2 John G. Miller, QBQ! The Question Behind the Question,(Denver, Colorado: Denver Press) p. 32.
3 Shari Caudron, "Growing Charisma", Industry Week, May 4, 1998, p. 54-55.
4 Laura Whitworth, Henry Kimsey-House & Phil Sandahl, Co-Active Coaching, (Palo Alto, California: Davies-Black Publishing) p. 31.
5 Robert Lynch & Thomas Werner, Continuous Improvement Teams & Tools,(Littleton, Colorado: Qualteam) p. 133.
6 Laura Whitworth, Henry Kimsey-House & Phil Sandahl, Co-Active Coaching,(Palo Alto, California: Davies-Black Publishing) p. 32-33.
7 Laura Whitworth, Henry Kimsey-House & Phil Sandahl, Co-Active Coaching,(Palo Alto, California: Davies-Black Publishing) p.34-38.
8 Thomas Clark, "Sharing the Importance of Attentive Listening,"Journal of Management Education, April 1999, p 216-223.
9 Steve Treacy & Nancy Voss, Process Consultation Class Handouts.
a Stephen Boyd, "The Human Side of Teaching: Effective Listening," Techniques, October 2001, p 60-61.
b Stephen Boyd, "The Human Side of Teaching: Effective Listening," Techniques, October 2001, p 60-61.
c Liz Hughes, "How to be a Good Listener," Women in Business, Sept/Oct. 2002, p 17.
d Peter Block, Flawless Consulting,(San Francisco, California: Jossey-Bass/Pfeiffer) p. 164.
e Laura Whitworth, Henry Kimsey-House & Phil Sandahl, Co-Active Coaching, (Palo Alto, California: Davies-Black Publishing) p 39.
f Gary Collins, Christian Coaching, (Colorado Springs, Colorado: NavPress) p 59.
g Gary Collins, Christian Coaching, (Colorado Springs, Colorado: NavPress) p 80-81.
h Laura Whitworth, Henry Kimsey-House & Phil Sandahl, Co-Active Coaching, (Palo Alto, California: Davies-Black Publishing) p 31.